If this is my fate, then I refuse to accept it

There it is again. That tiny red spot. On my pantyliner. I just had the "last drop" exactly seven days ago. What could this be? Why does this seem to have been a cycle that I have to endure every month?


Fear surges through my entire body. I remember holding the pamphlet they give out freely in the medical clinic. Be on G.U.A.R.D., it reads. I remember browsing through to the second page where the heading is highlighted, and in bold:

What are the symptoms of cervical cancer?

• unusual discharge from the vagina, separate from the normal monthly menstrual period (blood spots or light bleeding between menses)
• heavier than usual menstrual bleeding, also lasting longer
• bleeding following intercourse, douching, or after a pelvic exam
• pain during sexual intercourse

Three out of four. What is the likelihood that I am inflicted with this disease? Will I still be able to bear a child?

I remember driving home late one night. Hungry and alone, the idea of not having a child of my own suddenly struck me. Depression swelled.

I may not be very patient with kids but I've always loved them. My nephews and nieces, who I have always showered with presents, can attest to that. Besides, I've always dreamed of having my own family, my own kids. In fact, my ultimate goal in life is to be the best wife and mom. I may be open to adopting but the mere thought of not bearing a child of my own? It kills me. I want to experience motherhood -- from conceiving to bearing. With a very low tolerance to pain, I even want to undergo a normal delivery! I want to experience it all. But what now?

My menses have always been "abnormal", as they would call it. "Regular", for me, means having my period for one week, instead of three days...every two weeks, instead of four. It also means having to endure the pains caused by dysmenorrhea for three days instead of one. I've already gotten used to it though. Never thought I needed to see a specialist. Or so I thought...

It started about four months ago. Sometime during the Christmas Holiday, I woke up with droplets of blood on my undergarment. Thought it was weird as I just had "it" a week before. Oh well, I thought and shrugged it off. I took a shower and put a pad on so as not to stain my shorts. That night, nothing. The pad was as good as unused. Weird. Still I put some pad on just to be sure. These things could get really weird sometimes, you know. There was none again the next day. Great, another pad wasted. On the third morning, the tiny red spot is there again. Hmm...what is going on? To cut the story short, the same thing happened as the last time. Here today, gone tomorrow. So I ignored it. A few days after New Year's, that little drop of blood reappeared. But this time, it planned to stay. For a long time.

The first couple of days was unpredictable. One day the flow is light, the next day it's heavy. I ended up switching between liners and pads. One week has passed. It's still there? Ah baka tomorrow it's gone na. I wish. Two weeks passed by. Three weeks. Ah I have to see a doctor na. This is waaay past my normal "abnormal" cycle. So I went to see the company OB gynecologist and was prescribed an iron supplement and a capsule that was supposed to stop the bleeding. Four weeks. And counting.

I decided to see my mom's gynecologist. She advised that I continue taking the capsule and see her again if nothing happens. Well, nothing happened. If something did, it was that it got worse. The bleeding became heavier. So I returned to the company OB gyne who suggested an operation. Yikes! Wait, I'll get a second opinion. So I went to my mom's gyne again who, on the other hand, suggested I undergo hysteroscopy (a medical procedure that lets her see what's inside my uterus or ovaries). One different from the other but both cost a lot nonetheless. Thousands of pesos (more on the 30-40 range in fact)!

Get a third opinion, my colleagues would tell me. And so I did. And thanks to Imee, I found the perfect OB gyne for me. Just like the two gynecologists I've previously consulted, she cannot yet determine what exactly is wrong with me. We had to stop the bleeding first. I'm already losing a lot of blood. So she prescribed another medicine, which eventually stopped the bleeding. Though it was not an easy one. The medicine is designed to stop the bleeding and save all the blood in the uterus until the last pill is consumed. Then you are expected to bleed heavily again, draining the uterus of any blood and keeping it as clear as possible for the doctor to see if there are any abnormalities.

I popped the last pill. And so the inevitable happened. Heavy was an understatement. The pain was indescribable. I had to be prescribed a strong pain reliever lest I cannot get up from my bed, much less go to work which I just started with a couple of days after the first day of my menstruation. What a situation! Thank God it did stop though.

I was supposed to go back to my new OB gyne for a follow up check up. But two months have already passed and I still haven't gotten the chance to see her. I've planned to. I've even noted it down in my organizer and desk calendar. I've managed to get the second (or was it third?) ultrasound but I still haven't gotten around to having that check-up and my ultrasound results remained un-interpreted. I have a busy schedule, so I've always missed. Thrice? Four or five times? Maybe even more.

And so today, there it is again. That tiny red spot. On my pantyliner. I just had the "last drop" exactly seven days ago. What could this mean?

Fear surges through my body. I remember the picture of a girl in a pamphlet I saw in the medical clinic. She was on a defensive-martial artsy-stance. Be on G.U.A.R.D. against Cervical Cancer. Help protect yourself., the cover reads. Could I possibly have it?

My entire body feels cold...