If this is my fate, then I refuse to accept it

There it is again. That tiny red spot. On my pantyliner. I just had the "last drop" exactly seven days ago. What could this be? Why does this seem to have been a cycle that I have to endure every month?


Fear surges through my entire body. I remember holding the pamphlet they give out freely in the medical clinic. Be on G.U.A.R.D., it reads. I remember browsing through to the second page where the heading is highlighted, and in bold:

What are the symptoms of cervical cancer?

• unusual discharge from the vagina, separate from the normal monthly menstrual period (blood spots or light bleeding between menses)
• heavier than usual menstrual bleeding, also lasting longer
• bleeding following intercourse, douching, or after a pelvic exam
• pain during sexual intercourse

Three out of four. What is the likelihood that I am inflicted with this disease? Will I still be able to bear a child?

I remember driving home late one night. Hungry and alone, the idea of not having a child of my own suddenly struck me. Depression swelled.

I may not be very patient with kids but I've always loved them. My nephews and nieces, who I have always showered with presents, can attest to that. Besides, I've always dreamed of having my own family, my own kids. In fact, my ultimate goal in life is to be the best wife and mom. I may be open to adopting but the mere thought of not bearing a child of my own? It kills me. I want to experience motherhood -- from conceiving to bearing. With a very low tolerance to pain, I even want to undergo a normal delivery! I want to experience it all. But what now?

My menses have always been "abnormal", as they would call it. "Regular", for me, means having my period for one week, instead of three days...every two weeks, instead of four. It also means having to endure the pains caused by dysmenorrhea for three days instead of one. I've already gotten used to it though. Never thought I needed to see a specialist. Or so I thought...

It started about four months ago. Sometime during the Christmas Holiday, I woke up with droplets of blood on my undergarment. Thought it was weird as I just had "it" a week before. Oh well, I thought and shrugged it off. I took a shower and put a pad on so as not to stain my shorts. That night, nothing. The pad was as good as unused. Weird. Still I put some pad on just to be sure. These things could get really weird sometimes, you know. There was none again the next day. Great, another pad wasted. On the third morning, the tiny red spot is there again. Hmm...what is going on? To cut the story short, the same thing happened as the last time. Here today, gone tomorrow. So I ignored it. A few days after New Year's, that little drop of blood reappeared. But this time, it planned to stay. For a long time.

The first couple of days was unpredictable. One day the flow is light, the next day it's heavy. I ended up switching between liners and pads. One week has passed. It's still there? Ah baka tomorrow it's gone na. I wish. Two weeks passed by. Three weeks. Ah I have to see a doctor na. This is waaay past my normal "abnormal" cycle. So I went to see the company OB gynecologist and was prescribed an iron supplement and a capsule that was supposed to stop the bleeding. Four weeks. And counting.

I decided to see my mom's gynecologist. She advised that I continue taking the capsule and see her again if nothing happens. Well, nothing happened. If something did, it was that it got worse. The bleeding became heavier. So I returned to the company OB gyne who suggested an operation. Yikes! Wait, I'll get a second opinion. So I went to my mom's gyne again who, on the other hand, suggested I undergo hysteroscopy (a medical procedure that lets her see what's inside my uterus or ovaries). One different from the other but both cost a lot nonetheless. Thousands of pesos (more on the 30-40 range in fact)!

Get a third opinion, my colleagues would tell me. And so I did. And thanks to Imee, I found the perfect OB gyne for me. Just like the two gynecologists I've previously consulted, she cannot yet determine what exactly is wrong with me. We had to stop the bleeding first. I'm already losing a lot of blood. So she prescribed another medicine, which eventually stopped the bleeding. Though it was not an easy one. The medicine is designed to stop the bleeding and save all the blood in the uterus until the last pill is consumed. Then you are expected to bleed heavily again, draining the uterus of any blood and keeping it as clear as possible for the doctor to see if there are any abnormalities.

I popped the last pill. And so the inevitable happened. Heavy was an understatement. The pain was indescribable. I had to be prescribed a strong pain reliever lest I cannot get up from my bed, much less go to work which I just started with a couple of days after the first day of my menstruation. What a situation! Thank God it did stop though.

I was supposed to go back to my new OB gyne for a follow up check up. But two months have already passed and I still haven't gotten the chance to see her. I've planned to. I've even noted it down in my organizer and desk calendar. I've managed to get the second (or was it third?) ultrasound but I still haven't gotten around to having that check-up and my ultrasound results remained un-interpreted. I have a busy schedule, so I've always missed. Thrice? Four or five times? Maybe even more.

And so today, there it is again. That tiny red spot. On my pantyliner. I just had the "last drop" exactly seven days ago. What could this mean?

Fear surges through my body. I remember the picture of a girl in a pamphlet I saw in the medical clinic. She was on a defensive-martial artsy-stance. Be on G.U.A.R.D. against Cervical Cancer. Help protect yourself., the cover reads. Could I possibly have it?

My entire body feels cold...

Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

(Written by Chicago newspaper columnist, Mary Schmich -- recently recorded with music by Baz Luhrmann)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99, Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in twenty years you will look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry knowing that worrying is as affective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind. The kind that blindsides you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other peoples' hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealously, sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the "Funky Chicken" on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go but a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps between geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you'll never know when either one will run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're forty, it will look eighty-five.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

You Oughta Know

You Oughta Know
Alanis Morissette

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you

I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me

Is she perverted like me

Would she go down on you in a theatre

Does she speak eloquently

And would she have your baby

I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able

To make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you'd hold me

Until you died, till you died

But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It's not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful

I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know

Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner

It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able

To make it enough for you to be open wide, no

And every time you speak her name

Does she know how you told me you'd hold me

Until you died, til you died

But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It's not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me

And I'm not gonna fade

As soon as you close your eyes and you know it

And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's backI hope you feel it

...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away

It's not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear that you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

Questions

What's running through that mind?
What do you see when you look at me?
When you think of me?

Do you see a woman who longs to be with you
Who needs to hear your sweet voice
Who desires to feel your touch,
Your lips against hers?

Do you see a woman who wants to give you more?
Do you feel the fire,
The intensity of her emotions
waiting to be liberated once more?

What's running through that mind?
What do you see when you look at me?
When you think of me?

Do you see that woman in me?
Or do you see it in another?

**copyright Nov 29, 2005**

I Lie Awake, Wondering...

I like awake, wondering
Are you thinking of me
As I am thinking of you?
Are you longing to be with me?
To feel my lips, my touch
As I am longing to feel yours?
Will I feel your eyes taking in everything of me?
Will I hear you call out my name again?
Will I be blessed to feel the warmth
of your body against mine?
Will I ever be with you again?
I like awake, wondering...

**copyright Nov 29, 2005**

You Awakened Me

You awakened me...
You stirred my senses
You ignited my passion

You awakened me...
You helped me discover my desires
You evoked from me emotions I have yet to feel

You awakened me...
You made me do something I never thought I would
You've given me an experience I've never dreamed I'd have

You awakened me...
With your passion, you liberated me
And for that I'm thankful.

**copyright Nov 29, 2005**

Cowardice

It is the cave you chose to hide in
when you dared not see me
It is the iron ball you chained yourself to
when you cannot take the next step
It is the cloth you covered your mouth with
when you did not wish to speak to me
It is the cord you secured yourself with
when you cannot get yourself to hold me
Cowardice...it is what you resorted to...

**copyright Dec 14, 2005**

I look at your picture

I look at your picture
and I see the smile that beamed at me

I look at your picture
and I hear the voice that has spoken to me

I look at your picture
and I feel the hands that touched mine

I look at your picture
and I experience the emotions that have taken me over

I look at your picture
I see your smile...
I hear the words...
I feel the touch...
That were never meant for me

I look at your picture
and I see you with HER.

**copyright Dec 22, 2005**

Untitled

Did you see that?
That was my tear
Sending ripples of pain

Did you feel that?
That was my heart
Faintly beating, slowly dying

Did you hear that?
That was my soul
Exploding into tiny pieces


**copyright Dec 22, 2005**

I am out of Words

I am out of words
I can only hear the subtle trembling of my nerves
I can only feel the silent bleeding of my heart
I can only see the quiet falling apart of my world

I am out of words
As I bleed in one corner
As my soul mourns the death
of a love that has yet to be born

I am out of words
As pain seeps through my every vein
As sadness envelopes my being
and all I can see is nothingness

I am out of words
I can only feel...


**copyright Dec 22, 2005**

My Heart Bleeds

my heart bleeds
for the words that will never be spoken
for the days that will never be spent
for the emotions that will never be felt
for the love that will never be realized
for the chance i was never given
my heart bleeds


**copyright dec 4, 2005**